❥ Monday, July 05, 2010 @ 7:07 PM
I've been having alot of thoughts running through my mind last night. I begun wondering things about the past and also now. There are so many things that I wished I could rewind those times when I was doing but I know very well that it's impossible. And when you feels like that it basically means you're regretting. Yes. I'm saying that I regretted.
I regretted so many things. For skipping school because of stupid things, for playing trauncy, for being rebellious, for pushing away those who cared and loved me genuinely and locking myself up in my own world that I always wanted to be. I wanted to be carefree, I just wanted to be happy and not think about anything but just be happy and enjoying my life. I know I grewup in good surroundings, with my god parents and god grandparents that owns a quite-famous restaurant, with toys that never seems to end, food and clothes that never seems to get out of supply. I get what I wants when I was a child and I was everybody's apple in the eye.
I was happy as a child. I laughed everyday and I was a happyfruit in everybody's eyes. They loved me unconditionally and treated me as theirs since young. But before I realised what I was doing, I begun turning my back on them whenever they tried to care about me and even fought for what I thought was right. Running away, smoking, tattooing, stealing and all sort of rubbish those kids out there are doing now. I was blind those times, I thought all these were correct. Because I felt happy doing it! I treated people like my siblings and whenever they had troubles I did whatever I can to help them. I stood by them when they needed someone to talk to or just be there. I made a fool outta myself to cheer people up. I cried for people I loved. But what did I get back in return? I got betrayed, I got abandoned, I got fuckedup and alone on the streets. Those people saw me falling, but none tried to pick me up, they just ignored me and left me alone. That's when I realised you can't really trust anyone but yourself in this world. I was too naive and stupid, to actually believe that these people could be truthful to me.
There was this guy that I really love so much. He was my everything, someone that can make me gives up on anything, everything. I knew having him by my side was enough. When I was with him I thought that's it, he'll be my guy till the day I dies. He'll be the guy of my life forever and ever. He was so important to me, that whatever he does pulls my heart to follow him. Even if I knew it was wrong to be following. Words that he said, I never once doubted any of it. I trusted him with my whole heart and believed everything. I believed that he really loves me as he was saying it to me. I believed that his intentions, hugs, kisses and those loving embrace was true. Even until the day when he left me alone, I still believed that he'll come back for me. I cried endlessly for him and I swear, wherever I goes all I see is his images. I started remembering how loving we were and how we used to sillily laughs at eachother. Those tight hugs he gave whenever I'm sad and those gentle kisses he planted on my lips and forehead. I can't sleep every night because of him, I have to look at the pictures we took and cried myself to sleep every day. And when I wokeup the first thing that came to my mind is him - and then again I'll break down in tears because I knew the cruel truth that he ain't mine anymore. My heart was full of his footsteps and I can't forget him. Everytime when he started talking to me my heart smiles, with all those really excited and happy feelings. But everytime when I realised he is no longer like the past, I'm disappointed. It's been months. Now that I'm learning to slowly let go, I realised maybe it's not that important anymore. I guess the only thing I can do is just.... Let the time do the miracle.
Then returning to Malaysia changed my life dramastically. I really really cannot stand all these lj family members. Whatever I do it's always wrong, I'm never good in anyone's eyes. You all talked about me behind my back and thought that I didn't know? I can feel it, I know you guys did. I don't know what've I done to deserve such treatments from you guys but I'm really pissed off by your selfishness. How can you actually bring yourself to kick your granddaughter, your daughter outta the house...? Laughs. Sometimes I really wondered if I'm your kin. You know what? I really, really, really wished that I was dead instead of being alive here and tolerating all these shit from you people. I'm seventeen and I wish to be happy, or atleast just be like any of the other seventeens out there. Not here working like a dog and still being treated like shit from you all. But why.. Why am I going through all these shit? I doesn't like being abandoned or ignored. I hate being used. I hate it when you all look at me with those cold eyes that seems to kill me. I hate it when you all never bothered about how am I and only bothered about how I threw your face as you assumed. I just wanted care and love from you all, a family that I didn't had since I'm 3, is it really that hard...?
I had enough of you people. Fuck off.
My birthday is approaching but I seriously ain't feeling happy about it. I'm very sure not much will bother about it. I don't care if any of my friends is going to read all these. But seriously; I had enough. Since 07. It's always crap. So much of hopes but on the actual day everybody fucks me up. Except last year I guess. It was better. I appreciated what (you-know-who-you-are) did. Thanks. Really thanks from my heart.
Oh muthafucker. I'm thinking about this really fucking question right now. Why is it that the guys around me are all jerks with their mind full of lust instead of one that'll love me genuinely for who I am?
Fuck these guys, all are corrupted minds of lust over love. Fuck off I say. _l_Labels: Random feelings
